You're an Idiot

In the ancient world Roman generals would return home to joyous fanfare as they rode through the streets in triumph.  As the crowds went wild and chanted the general's name, a man would follow behind him and whisper, “You are mortal.”  The Romans didn’t want their generals to develop an enormous ego, or to forget that behind every great man is another man waiting to cut him down to size.

Literally.

We don’t need anyone to remind us that we’re mortal or be concerned that we may get too big for our britches.  In fact, we have the opposite problem.  As a culture, we have become so critical of ourselves, so quick to dismiss our worth that we are drowning in self-doubt and depression.  It’s as if we are followed around by our own little voice whispering, “You’re an idiot.  You’re not worthy.”  

And we’re believing it.

Not a day goes by without hearing someone bemoaning the 15 calories they ingested during the day, which have left them feeling guilty and glum.  Sometimes I watch experienced people second-guessing themselves out of fear that they do not have the ability to make the right decision.  All too often I see amazing people live in doubt, too paralyzed to live a life of acceptance and love.

We really need to work on this.

We are beginning a season dedicated to love and compassion (in theory) where we work to look upon our fellow humans with kindness rather than distain.  How about we make a point of doing this for ourselves as well?  Why don’t we set aside some time to see ourselves with compassion and kindness?

Why don’t we just give ourselves a break?

You are not perfect, and you never will be.  But you are so very beautiful in your humanity that I cannot imagine our world without you.

Our society of shallowness will consistently remind you that you have failed to meet the standards and that your imperfections are an abomination.  Are these the voices you really want to listen to?  Unfortunately, once we have accepted and internalized these thoughts - we are fighting against ourselves, which is a losing battle, even for those great Roman generals. 

I know it isn’t easy to change how you see yourself - we’ve all been conditioned through the years to be overly critical of our imperfections, but it can be done.  

Put aside some time every day to focus on the things that you appreciate about yourself.  Ask your friends and family how they see you - because they are looking at us through the lens of love, which gives them gentler eyes.  Write down the characteristics that you’re proud of on little pieces of paper and place them around the house, in your car, in your wallet and let them serve as a reminder that you are pretty awesome.

Life is short and we don’t get a lot of time to focus on ourselves, so when we have those spare moments on our own, let’s use them to exercise some self-compassion, some acceptance.  You will be amazed at how much brighter the day is.

And if that negative voice is still following you around, call me.  We can have some chocolate cake and coffee until there is nothing left but quiet whispers saying, “We’re so glad you’re here.”

Bitchy Ain't Cute

When did rudeness become a characteristic that we applaud?  Did I miss the memo stating that being a mean-spirited jerk was the new standard of behavior that we should celebrate?

What gives?

I understand that political pundits are supposed to devolve into immature children with their vile, dehumanization of political figures and those who hold to a different ideology then they do because it is part of their schtick...and it is probably in their contract to be as revolting as possible.

Comedians are another breed of entertainers that tend towards the crude and ruthless like wild animals feeding on the pain and vulnerabilities of others.  I imagine that most comedy routines are based on their own personal pain and suffering; sharing it with a willing crowd is perhaps a cathartic release that offers public acceptance and the approval they never had as a kid.

But what about these “reality” shows like the Real Housewives, Bad Girl’s Club and Jersey Shore?  Who came up with the idea that bitchy, whiny and immature people should not only have their appalling behavior glorified, but they should be paid major cash for doing it for the cameras?

I get why the people in the media are rude: they’re getting paid. What I don’t understand is why it has become socially acceptable?  Why have basic manners evaporated...why do people treat each other with such disrespect, even taking to social media to spew their hate?

Maybe because being mean is easy.  Being cruel to another person takes much less energy than being considerate and thoughtful.  But lazy is no excuse to unleash such atrocious behavior onto another human.

When a person treats another unkindly, it speaks volumes about their own issues.  A cruel person reveals their own insecurities as they aim their pain at someone else.  A jerk showcases his or her own flaws and private shame when attacking another person verbally or physically.  One who speaks ill of others, who prefers vengeance to forgiveness, or holds a grudge rather than seeks reconciliation is a person with deep-seated, unresolved pain.

I don’t fear them, I don’t applaud or celebrate them - I pity them.  

Those who choose to spew hatred towards others, whether real or media-related, is a vulnerable soul in need of some compassion and tender care...though their personal issues do not absolve them of their hurtful behavior.  So when you see someone being a jerk, or if you’re feeling a little jerk-like yourself, take a second to understand what is really behind it all.

No, bitchy ain’t cute and there is no excuse for it.  Life is too short and too far too prescious to support bad behavior from adults, and it’s way too short to live with the inner pain that causes it.

Stitched Together

Stitched Together Nov 2 2012

I was recently asked if I experience any resentment about my often chaotic childhood.  This is an important question because I spend my days working with adolescents, many of whom have faced unspeakable trauma and horrific abuse, and when you work with those who have known such pain, it is important know your own emotions.  

I answered the question with an immediate and very firm, “No.”  I did not have to think about the question because I had spent many years trapped in the emotional bondage of my past and I can honestly say that I am at peace with it.  But how did I go from that frightened, unhappy little girl to the confident, joy-filled woman I am today?  I learned to love and accept my scars.

And now I have a brand new scar that I’m learning to love.

Three months ago from this very day I underwent cardiac surgery to stitch up a hole in my heart.  In the spring I was told that my heart had a defect that was making it work far more than it wanted to, and they could see the beginning signs of damage.  So I spent my summer vacation having my sternum cut in two, my lungs deflated and my heart stopped so that a talented team of surgeons could play seamstress.

I’m not going to lie: it sucked.

There is nothing good about being cut open, and there is nothing fun or glamorous about spending 10 days in the hospital wondering if my heart was going to remember how to beat.  Recovery has been slow and steady, but I figure that I lived 43 years with a giant hole in my heart, I can pretty much survive anything.  I have learned a lot about the power of keeping a positive perspective and about sheer, undaunted determination.

As grateful as I am for the work of my incredible medical team for fixing my heart, there is still the matter of scars.  There is the giant one down the center of my chest, the triad of round marks on my neck where various IV lines and monitors were, and the occasional dots and dashes that decorate my midsection to mark the intrusion of tubes and electrical wires that kept me connected to lifesaving machines.  Each scar that remains was once a necessary incision that reminds me how blessed I am to be here today with a perfectly functioning heart.

Every single scar tells a part of the story of who I am.  Each mark is a milestone along the journey to become the person that I am proud to be, just as my emotional and mental scars are.  We are not whole and complete beings at birth - we are an amalgamation of our experiences stitched together with the ongoing threads of time.

My past has not always been pretty.  The days of my youth were smattered with physical violence and emotional damage that took a long time to heal, but I did eventually heal because I found a way to integrate those pieces into me without the feelings of guilt that can sometimes make us ashamed of who we are.  

I’m not perfect by any stretch of the imagination and I’m certainly not done growing up and figuring out the many different facets of who I am, and I’m okay with that.  I’m okay with not having had a perfect childhood because forgiveness of others is an amazing gift that only you can give yourself. 

I have lots of scars now; some physical and some invisible to the human eye, but I've grown to appreciate them because they are all a part of me and I kinda like me.  I like that I can empathize with those who have known tragic times.  I like that I have enough compassion to try and see people for who they are without judgment or prejudice.  I like that I laugh at silly things and that I can find joy in even the tiniest of accomplishments.  I like that the people who love me think that I’m worth the effort.

It’s been a long three months since I was cut open like a boiled lobster, but now I have the chance to be a lot more me, and that's certainly worth some pain and suffering along the way.  So here’s to another 43 years of scars, stitches, and becoming the best of me.

Four Words That Can Change the World

We have all had the need to turn to a friend and unleash our frustration and dismay.  Venting to a trusted loved one has a wonderful cathartic effect that soothes the spirit and gives us the energy needed to take a deep breath and face the world with our emotions under control.

Why this works so well I can only speculate.  Perhaps it is being connected to another soul and knowing that we matter enough for them to listen.  Maybe it is the power of being accepted by another person, even when we feel the need to undertake a verbal assault on the perceived injustices in the world.

Maybe it is knowing that we are truly being heard.

While this may be emotionally therapeutic for the person doing the venting, what about the person we have chosen as our listener?  What is their role in our outburst?

I’m not sure if it is the unconscious desire to protect the ones we love, or to fix problems when we see our friends and family hurting, but sometimes when people come to us intending to unburden themselves of their negative emotions, we react in ways that may be unwelcome.  For example, when we listen to a friend vent about an evil boss or they have an unfortunate situation with a family member... we are probably brimming with advice.  We may have an overwhelming need to tell them how to correct the problem, or how to deal with the issue at hand.

But chances are they are not looking for advice.  An emotional outburst does not mean they need rescuing.  For all of our good intentions, we probably haven’t a clue what this person needs...because we often fail to ask them.

So what do we do when someone comes to us with a momentary crisis?  How do we respond when someone we care about is having a tough time with a complicated situation?  How do we make things better for the people that matter to us?

I can tell you from experience that there are four little words that can transform a negative situation into a tolerable one.  One simple sentence that can ease the burden of whatever issue is weighing us down.  It is so easy to say, so simplistic in it’s meaning that it seems hardly worth repeating out loud...but I can assure you from personal experience that it is one of the most profound things anyone can ever say:

“What do you need?”

With this one question you are offering your love, offering support, and letting that person know that you are willing to help them get what they need to make it through their moment of frustration.  Nothing eases the spirit like an offering of sincere assistance.  Nothing gives us courage more than knowing we are not facing troubled times alone.

Nothing comforts like being honestly cared for by another person.  That alone can change our view of the world in extraordinary ways.

So the next time you have the privilege of listening to a loved one release their frustration, remember that you are more than just a willing ear.  You have the opportunity to encourage, support, love, and comfort with just four little words.

Should you find yourself needing to open your heart and let loose the things that torment you, feel free to call me.  I promise I won’t try to rescue you or give you advice you don’t want.  I will let you know that you matter, that I believe in you and take care to ask what you are in need of.  I’ll bring the chocolate as well.

The Necessary Things

I’ve always believed that life was about decisions.  Be they easy or difficult, we move from one day to the next one decision at a time, carefully choosing our path towards the future.  Recently, I’ve learned that life isn’t about decisions.  It isn’t about making choices or weighing our options.  Life is about accepting what is and finding the courage to continue towards what could be.

No matter how careful we are, situations arise that alter our plans so quickly and so completely that we are unprepared for the fallout.  When we get hit by a train, sometimes it is best to just sit and take inventory of the wounds rather than chasing it down and demanding an apology because it is during these these uncertain times that we learn who we are and discover what really matters.  

Though I don’t celebrate difficulties, I do find value in them and and I have learned that crises can be extremely clarifying.  The necessary things become more solid, more pure as the trivial fades away.  The people I need step forward to quietly support me, and my faith insulates me from losing the grip on my sanity.  My world has become far more clear, even if my path isn’t.

In the next few weeks my life will change dramatically and I will never be the same.  I will certainly be stronger, more resolute in my ways, and, if you are fortunate, maybe a little more compassionate.  But the person I am now will have faded away.  Not having a choice in which road I take is a horrible feeling and I wrestle with bouts of anger knowing what I have to do, but furious that I am powerless to change the direction of this journey.  My plans are put on hold, my life is being lived on someone else’s timeline, and I’m just here waiting for my future to figure itself out.  Sometimes those trains hit hard enough to push us off of the road completely.

But that is the way of things.  

Yes, I have learned that life really isn’t about decisions; life is about having the courage to accept the consequences whether we choose them or not.  Life is about deciding how to face what is in front of you and to trust yourself enough to move forward, even when your heart is trembling.  Life is standing toe to toe with your biggest fear, meeting its gaze, and not backing down, knowing you have those amazing people in your corner to pick you up when the train decides to hit you again.

Dance Anyway

There will always those who disapprove of you.  There will always be those who judge you, and those people who are uncomfortable with they way you express yourself.  Some people get a little out of sorts when you color outside of the lines, but don’t let that worry you.

Dance anyway.

Everywhere you turn there will be a subtle, yet insidious pressure to blend in and behave.  Conform to the rules and reign in your exuberance or risk a stranger’s scowl.  You place your social acceptance on the line if you sing a bit too loudly or celebrate life a bit too much.

Go ahead, dance anyway.

Our time here is short and unpredictable.  We do not know how many days we will have to celebrate the joys that have been granted to us.  Our hours are precious and we can spend them worrying about what others think, or we can boldly embrace those wondrous moments that make our hearts sing.  Not everyone will agree with our philosophy, but not everyone’s opinion matters.

I say we should dance anyway.

If you have a lifetime ahead of you, or just a few days, I wish you such joy that you cannot help but burst into song.  I wish you laughter that takes your breath away.  I wish you the strength to be who you truly are, even under the gaze of the disapproving.  Yes, life will have its sad times, those hours of excruciating pain that will break you and devour your joy.

When that time comes, give me a call.  Together we’ll find a way to dance anyway.

The Necessary Goodbye

Humans are social creatures and our connections to others creates the social foundation reminding us that we are a part of something greater than ourselves.  Friendships are organic bonds evolving, shifting, changing and growing naturally between two people.  But sometimes the path ends and the journey is over...the relationship has run its course and must now be allowed to fade with dignity.

Over the past few years I’ve undertaken major changes in my life.  Some of these changes are the natural progression of my goals while others were simply the result of growing as a person.  As with any change, people became unsettled and confused, unsure of how to relate to who I am now.  Others rebelled against my new direction and clung to the hope that I will return to the person I once was, but can never be again.

It was a struggle at first, but what I have found is that not everyone is meant to walk with you throughout your personal journey.  Everyone has their own path and as much as it may hurt to leave some friendships behind, you really aren’t losing them.  Every person that you have shared time with has changed you, influenced who you are now, impacted how you see the world.  Every moment of love that you have experienced has brought you closer to the person you are meant to be; an important part of them will remain forever interwoven into your very existence.

Celebrate those moments, cherish the memories and reserve a place of gratitude in your heart for the gifts they have offered you, but do not linger.  It is okay to move on with your life without bathing in the guilt of growing.  No one has the right to hold us back from embracing that which is most meaningful to us, whether they understand or not.  

Yes, most of those who have loved you and cheered you on will continue to do so.  Most of those friendships forged through years of shared devotion shall remain until the end of our lives, yet the loss of even one can move us to moments of great sorrow.  Grieve if you must, but I urge you to honor those shared experiences with joy and gratitude as you continue on your path.

I do not give up my friendships easily.  I am devoted to each of you, loyal through the best and worst of times.  However, for all of those who are taking a different path and can no longer walk with me, I wish you well on your own journey.  I pray you will find peace, love, and joy in your life.  Thanks for helping me become a better me, and don’t ever forget that you are necessary and you are loved.

The Best of You

There is a rather interesting term called the Crab Bucket Syndrome that I first heard about through one of my favorite authors, Terry Pratchett.  The idea is that a group of crabs trapped in a pail cannot escape because they spend their energy pulling each other down and sabotaging their fellow prisoner’s attempts at finding freedom rather than helping each other out.

In the end, they all end up trapped and miserable.

Even when I didn’t know what it was called, I had seen it in action many, many times...and you probably have to.  There is something about watching others succeed that some people cannot tolerate.  Why?  I haven’t a guess, but it is a sad thing to watch and a horrible experience to live through.

Thankfully, there is a way out of the bucket...but like most things, it doesn’t come easy.

You are an amazing creation.  You have many, many good qualities and strengths from which to draw from.  You have the ability to pull through the tough times, to shake off the doubters and move towards your goals.  It does require you to put on blinders and learn to ignore those who like to remind you of your past mistakes.  We all have flaws that should be acknowledged however, there really isn't any need to dwell on them if doing so is going to keep you from moving forward.  No, not an easy thing to do...but you can do it.

The next time someone decides to enlighten you about your weaknesses, or you begin to doubt yourself, focus on the things you are good at.  Make lists if necessary, write them on the bathroom mirror, leave yourself notes on the refrigerator door listing your best qualities.  I don’t care what you have to do, or how you do it.  Just don’t let them drag you down, don’t let them keep you down in that smelly bucket living in misery simply because they can’t see the positive in their own lives.

And once you’re out, reach down and help someone else escape.  Because if we give up now, then the crabs win.

Living in Denial

Do you ever get worn down by the constant whining and complaining over the little things?  It’s not just on a personal level, but the 24-hour news machines pump out the negative drivel at such high velocity that it’s difficult to keep up sometimes.  A week ago I decided to ignore all news and negativity to the best of my ability and see how much difference it would make in my life.

I was amazed.

I admit it was difficult to ignore it all completely with social media delivering the latest headlines to my phone, the radio keeping me informed of the latest bitch session conducted by some talking-head political pundit.  But I tried to keep it out, block it from my consciousness.  It was a war I would eventually lose, but only by a very small margin.

On a personal level I already have a no whiners policy as an attempt to keep the negative people out of my life, so it was fairly easy to avoid those who think the world needs to hear every negative comment that passes through their mind.  Sure, there were still some complaints and whines that slipped through...but I was ready for them and quickly shut them down.  

Only a few hateful words slipped passed my defenses.

So a week has passed and I have not missed the news, nor have I once wished I could hear someone drone on about the trivially mundane as if it was the beginning of the apocalypse.  In fact, I have noticed that there are far more good and positive things going on around me without the constant stream of ick.  

I’ve discovered there are thousands of interesting things to read about on-line that don’t include politics or headlines about Kim Whatsherface saying something stupid.  Those truly positive and informative sites that I’ve rarely had time to visit were given my full attention, and I think I’m better because of it....if not happier.

It was a vacation for my soul and it is one which I plan to continue occasionally to ensure I don't end up as one of these full-time downers. I may be living a lie by pretending the world isn’t falling apart little by little, but I believe I’ll have far more energy to help those who are going through a a rough patch and need some positive attention, or a kind word.  I have more of that now. 

And maybe, just maybe...I’ll even some energy left to take care of myself.

Ideologically Impaired

Labels just may be among the worse things ever created.  They are overused and misused at every turn.  I can hardly focus on what is in front of me because I spend so much time rolling my eyes at all of the silly ideologies that we hide behind.

Seriously.  

As we force ourselves to live within the confines of man-made ideologies we voluntarily constrain ourselves within someone else’s idea of who we are.  We’re not just selling ourselves short, we’re limiting our own potential for greatness so that we can fit into some arbitrary definition designed by someone we’ll never meet.  

Are we so desperate for acceptance that we will live by someone else’s idea of right and wrong, or agree to false dichotomies that are so demeaning?  Is it so much easier to face the world as a fearful group of exclusionaries than to express who we really are, regardless of what society demands?

Sadly, I fear that it is.

So many labels including political, religious or non-theist, can lead to a vicious Us vs. Them mentality that only serves to divide people, creating meaningless conflicts where none should exist.  In order to blend in we are required to attack and belittle because if anyone sees the depth of our doubt or senses our insecurities, then the game is up.

Why do we constrain ourselves?  Why must we put limits on how we express the many facets of our humanity?

You can ask me what I believe, but my philosophies exist outside of a neatly packaged ideology.  I won’t accept some easily digestible, sound-bite of a belief that is readily marketable.  Mainstream is far too narrow to encompass my experiences and thoughts on faith.

If you ask me what I do, I can respond with the appropriate label, but it will not offer much in terms of information.  What I do is a complicated mess of inspiration and motivation, sprinkled with a large dose of wisdom, showered with the ongoing acquisition of knowledge and tied together with passion.

The important questions are not the what’s, but the why’s and the how’s.  Why do I believe and how does this make me a better Me?  Why do I endeavor in this work and how does it help me to support our community?

None of these questions offer pithy responses, so I will refrain from trying to explain them.  Instead, I would prefer a conversation that lasts a lifetime so that we can try to understand each other.  I would like to know who you are, how you are, and why you are.  I would prefer to walk with you and learn with you rather than see you through an ideological facade that fails to truly highlights your uniqueness.

You are far more important and far more wonderful than any label can express.  You don't need to accept the constraints offered to you by someone else's philosophies, or give up your own identity in order to fit the way others see you.

If you’d like to shake off the restraints of popular labels, give me a call.  We can figure out who we are over a cup of coffee.  Then we can meet again tomorrow and discuss who we are becoming.

Successfully..happy

Today I posted my newest video on www.PerfectlyHumble.com discussing the difference between what we want and what the world tells us we should want.  Sure, it can be difficult to shut out the voices of the media and ignore societal norms...but when you take a step back and focus on your own dreams, I think that's when you find true happiness.


I'm no expert on being successful, but I can say that it's a wonder feeling when you're following your passion...even it if means you have to go against the flow to get where you need to be.


I hope you enjoy the video and I look forward to hearing your thoughts.

Save the little female humans

Nobel Laureate Leymah Gbowee is a woman I greatly admire.  Her passion and perseverance has brought about great changes in the world and she continues to advocate on behalf of women, and humanity, everywhere.

Her TEDtalk is about unlocking the potential of girls everywhere for the betterment of us all. It is a heartfelt call to those who wish to save humanity by giving girls the opportunity to follow their own passions and change our world for the better.

The right to life...for kids

There are some things that pain me to my very core, and one of those things is locking away our youth for life. Thankfully we no longer execute children, but is locking them up until they die any more humane?

I'm not looking at this from a political standpoint, but as a fellow human with the understanding that we are all equal and should be treated so by society and the justice system.

The brain isn't fully matured until our early 20's and neuropsychological research shows that during the adolescent years the human brain is rewiring and reintegrating itself leaving the executive functions and reasoning abilities highly susceptible to environmental and peer influences.

So do we lock children away forever, or do we work with them to try and help these kids make positive changes for themselves and become responsible adults who contribute to society?

Last week Bryan Stevenson of the Equal Justice Initiative argued sentencing juveniles to life in prison before the Supreme Court of the United States and has a very interesting and logical discussion on the topic on MSNBC. What is your opinion on the matter?

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Just something to think about.

Death and Dishonor

In a small town near Orland, Florida a young man died from a gunshot wound. His death went unnoticed by most and as his family mourned, trying to console themselves, confusion rippled quietly through the community.

Because of the actions of another, Trayvon Martin will never graduate high school, or see his little brother grow up. He’ll never marry and become a father. His parents have been denied the chance to see him grow into the man they knew he could be.

And we have all lost a member of our community.

That night in February, driven by emotions and adrenaline, a man took the life of another. He walked away bruised and shaken, but now wearing the eternal weight of knowing he is responsible for the death of a child.

Because of his actions, George Zimmerman has lost himself to the ensuing outcry. Labeled and judged by the public, he is no longer the captain of his ship as the world will now determine his fate as his life plays out on the world stage.

His family may also lose a son when these events have played themselves out. His future now destroyed by a quick decision made in the past...and life for him and his loved ones will never be the same again.

I will not speculate on what happened that night, nor will I offer an opinion on what I think should happen in the future because my opinion on this case doesn’t matter. My voice will not change the momentum or direction of this tragedy one way or another.

What I want to speak about is our national reaction...the communal tragedy that has played out in the 24-hour news, the social media, and via amateur commentators. As the Martin and Zimmerman families cry out for justice and pray for understanding, the rest of us are exhorting our own ideas of an event that we did not witness.

We stew in conjecture and play at being lawyers, spewing rhetoric based on questionable logic. Watching a few seasons of CSI has turned everyone into forensic experts capable of analyzing 911 tapes via the radio. We Trust “sources” that support our biases because we are unable to believe that which is counter to what we have already decided.

This is the way of the mind as we seek to quiet the heart and slowly remove the humanity from this very human tragedy.

A child has been shot and killed. No matter what else we think, we should never forget that.

As many push forth their beliefs they twist the media image of these two lives to fit their own perceptions. Because our thoughts decide our actions and form our reality, I wish we would spend more time trying to understand the truth behind our own beliefs before we set out to convince others of our superiority.

Has our sense of right and wrong been so twisted by adherence to some ideology that we have a compulsion to claim knowledge we do not possess? Has our need to be correct at all costs superseded the need to see what is really happening?

Have we forgotten that the loss of human life is a tragedy beyond all others? Have we forgotten that no amount of twisted logic, no amount of politicizing can ever rebuild the lives forever broken and lost?

Have we forgotten that life is a precious gift and its ending is a loss for everything that will never be?

I know what my beliefs are grounded upon: the truth that all humans are equal, no exceptions.

Yes, I am aware that some will try to claim that equal means “same”, but let’s ignore the little minds who want to debate semantics and focus on what I’m saying...equal means we all have the right to live without being judged by the color of our skin, our faith, or our gender.

That right was taken from Trayvon, and shame on us for not working harder to build a culture of acceptance and safety for all people. Life was taken from Trayvon that night, and for that I mourn.

A life was unnecessarily lost in a small town outside of Orlando. A human heart ceased to beat and a family’s heart will never heal, as two families will forever be tainted and torn apart by the actions of one.

I don’t care what about your opinion of the events, or how certain you claim to be of the legal ramifications of that night. What I care about is remembering that this death is a tragedy and it is now time to come together and ensure it does not happen again.

Let Trayvon’s death show us the steps that need to be undertaken for peace in our neighborhoods and the chasms that need to be healed within our nation. Let us honor this young man by remembering our own humanity.

Being Happy

People talk about finding happiness, but it’s just a metaphor. Happiness isn’t something that you find. Life is not some great Easter egg hunt where you’re walking through the park and happen to peek behind a bush and huzzah! Happiness is just sitting there, minding its own business, waiting for you to pick it up and put it in your pocket.

You cannot find happiness because it must find you.

So how does this actually happen? It’s a fairly simple concept. Happiness comes in when we have contentment in our lives. Happiness cannot live where bitterness resides. Where peace prevails, that is the heart that knows what it means to be truly happy.

The modern day mad men would rather we sought happiness through the accumulation of stuff and by instigating jealousy in our neighbors and friends (how does that work, anyways?)...but a full bank account and a well appointed home never guarantees a joyful heart.

Hollywood insists that happiness comes in the form of our true love. They would have us believe that our joy is being held hostage by another person and our goal is to find them, because when we do...we shall have our happiness. Why would we place the responsibility of our own contentment upon the shoulders of someone else? Not only is that an unfair burden to force upon another human, but I think it’s time we remember that fairy tales are for children.

Can love multiply happiness? Absolutely! But how much more fulfilling the love when you have a heart ready to share the joy.

Contentment is not always easy. One must find a balance between accepting what is while striving for what could be. Seeking peace with who we are as we work to improve ourselves and plan for tomorrow. We have to find validation from within as we look for our place out in the world. Like walking on a tightrope hundreds of feet in the air, it is a delicate dance that must be performed every day.

I know it sounds odd...I didn’t believe it at first either. But once contentment fills your life, happiness moves in and surrounds you, chasing out the fear and what-ifs and inviting in the why-nots and bring-it ons.

If you are still looking...feel free to give me a call. We’ll sit a while and work on finding contentment in a piece of chocolate cake and cup of coffee. It may not be there...but it’s a good place to start.

Rush's Rant: Just another symptom of our system of hate

Disclaimer: Before you read this article, you should probably understand a few things about me...it will make far more sense that way.

First, I do not debate politics or religion. I have my beliefs and you’re welcome to yours. Besides, debating accomplishes nothing and we’re not going to change each other’s mind. Science backs me up on this, so I won’t be debating that point either.

Second, I’m a true political independent. I’m not one of those who claim to be independent and then constantly demeans Obama with the same old, worn out idealogical dogma that the right-wing media serves up. Nor am I so enamored with the President and his party that I believe that he’s the Messiah and they are immune to mistakes and live a glorified existence propped up by the liberal left. I make my own decisions based on my understanding of the world, politics, all blended with an extra dose of logic.

I’m a huge fan of logic.

And lastly, I’m pro-humanity. Before people get their panties in a twist and claim that I’m anti-military or pro-celebrity, it’s important to understand that I’m a former soldier and very proud of my service. I’m also a disabled veteran. I live with a decent amount of daily pain and discomfort due to active duty injuries and I would not change it for the world. I also have many loved ones still serving on active duty in our armed services. That said, though I’m pro-troops, I am anti-war. I’m anti-war because I’m pro-troops. I don’t want to see one more of my fellow military brothers and sisters injured, maimed, mentally traumatized or killed because of some political ideology.

There are no victors in war, only survivors. And until the politicians are the ones taking the brunt of the mortar fire, we need to find better solutions to issues.

Okay, so on to the meat of the current topic: the system of hate in our society.

There have been two situations recently that have made me angry. I don’t get angry often, but when I do I like to wait a bit before I write about it. It’s been a week, so here you go:

Rush Limbaugh’s rant and dehumanizing rhetoric aimed at a young women who spoke before congress is one of the worse examples of public hate I have seen in a long time. Though Rush is known for his demeaning and sexist views of women in general, this one went far beyond anything he’s spewed before. It wasn’t just the name calling, it was his complete perception of her that degrades all women...young, old and in between.

I’m not surprised as Limbaugh makes his living by being controversial, but that this type of behavior is still so prevalent in our current century shows that we have such a long way to go before human dignity becomes the norm for anyone, especially women. Those media types that came out in support of this sad rhetoric while hiding behind political concerns about how taxes are spent...their behavior is just as disgusting.

The woman they are talking about is a human being, worthy of respect and so undeserving of such verbal brutality. I don’t care what your political views are. No one deserves such abuse.

No one.

Before that we had people demeaning Whitney Houston after her death. Many people called her names based on her past addiction to drugs and alcohol, while others dismissed her passing as insignificant or trivial.

Others spoke up saying that she doesn’t deserve celebrity status, and that military personnel are the ones who deserve to be treated as special because they do things that matter.

Huh? The logic on that one is so convoluted I actually thought it was a joke.

What does celebrity status have to do with the military? Yes, our military deserve the best care available, the best support for both their families and themselves, and they certainly deserve to be treated as more than just cannon fodder risking their lives in some far away country. But what does that have to do with the death of a woman who has impacted an entire generation across the globe? What does acknowledging her influence on society have to do with the military?

Any time a person dies, I don’t care if they are an entertainer, a soldier, a man living under the bridge, or an elementary school teacher....they are worthy of respect. Every death is sad, every loss of human life is tragic. Who are we to assign worth to anyone according to our own perceptions or ideology?

Who are we to demean one person while raising up another? Why is this still so prevalent in our world? You don’t have to agree with someone, or even like them...but it is so hard to respect them? Respect their humanity?

We all want to be treated well. We all want to be seen as important and special, but if you truly want to be respected as an individual with worth and value...try offering that to someone you do not understand.

Try spending 5 minutes outside of your little world and try to see someone else as worthy. Then, maybe, others will treat you the same...and the idea will spread.

Maybe then we’ll outgrow our system of hate. I still believe in humanity...and I think that we truly can over come hate, if we put our hearts AND minds into it.

Because I'm a Girl

I’m more than just a pretty face.

I giggle at inappropriate times, wear combat boots with surgical attire, give birth to scientific ideas and a child with equal passion.

I love shoes and pretty things, and politics and business affairs. I am international and global, but I can make the most comfortable of homes.

Knights in shining armor need apply, I don’t need saving today. I am my own champion.

I require real love with passion and companionship based upon respect and equality. Equality. That’s what I need.

I have a strong heart and a soft soul, tender words for the dying and an unbreakable devotion to my children.

I am many things, but I am not weak.

The tears that run from my eyes do not illuminate tremors in my spirit, rather they shine the light on the courage that it takes to be vulnerable.

I am not against men. I seek respect deserved by a gender just as powerful, just as relevant. My strengths lie deep within my heart, though my physical shell tends towards the delicate.

Don’t dismiss me from the world stage because I am a girl.
Welcome me, because I can help make this place so much better.

____________________________________________________________________
Written in honor of International Women's Day 2012

Finding Your Groove

I’m a doer. Some of my greatest pleasures are meeting goals, completing new projects and starting new ones. And I do them very, very well...or else I wouldn’t bother. It’s not progress if it isn’t done properly, is it?

Some days I’m the Tasmanian Devil on a sugar high, and I like it that way.

Lately I have had several thoughtful people suggest that I slow down, take a break, or get some rest. While the thought is kind, the idea is completely foreign to me. Slow down? Why?

The very idea of “relaxing” by doing nothing, or only doing one thing at a time makes me anxious. And I’m not an anxiety-prone person...that’s how horrible the concept is to me. *Shudder*

I believe we each have our own speed, our own rate of life that works for us. Some people do things very slowly and deliberately with great thought. It suits them to check the details several times and to only move forward when the stars align. Should I need surgery, this is the person I want slicing me up.

Others move in a less direct path towards their goal preferring the scenic route and stopping to smell the roses along the way. Sometimes carefully contemplating the roses for hours on end if the mood strikes. I am blessed to have many of these people in my life. Their hearts are very large and their gentle view of the world is refreshing.

There are millions of other people who move at differing speeds, each path distinct from the other, and each one perfectly suited to the traveler.

Yes, there are times when we have to adjust our speed to conform to the world. Every evening that I have to sit in class for five very long hours, I am painfully aware of the pressure society places upon us to move along at a pace that feels so unnatural. So I conform to the standards when I have to. Otherwise, I’m off like a giddy toddler.

Though I meditate regularly and find solace and peace in the quiet moments of the day when it is just me and my God, the rest of the time I am off chasing my dreams.

And I like it.

No matter what your speed, I support your right to define it and run your own race. Life is far more interesting that way. In those moments when the world demands you to walk at its pace, remember that it is temporary and soon you’ll be galloping down the road finding your own groove.

Maybe we’ll meet along the way and we can share a cup of coffee or piece of cake. And I promise we won’t have to eat on the run.

My Faith, My Way

There was a man who was so passionate about coffee that he spent much of his time and energy working to create his perfect cup. After years of research, he felt he had found perfection.

Having created his wondrous combination of brewed coffee, he wanted to share this magical discovery with his friends. Imagine his disappointment when they mocked his work by adding two spoonfuls of sugar, or (gasp) pouring cream into his perfectly brewed concoction. Feeling insulted by the actions of his friends, he vowed to never again serve anyone coffee in his home, lest they ruin it with their barbaric practices.

He had offered what he felt was the best way to enjoy coffee, and they had rejected it. Rather than accepting his opinion of what perfect coffee truly is, they took his work and adjusted it to meet their own tastes and preferences. They had adapted it to fulfill their needs, but he could not understand that. He thought he knew what was best and refused to acknowledge that anyone else may want, or need something different.

Does this allegorical man remind you of anyone? He reminds me of those people who are convinced that their beliefs are so perfect that they should be applied universally without question, without alteration. They are the only ones who are completely correct and anyone who fails to follow their ideology is wrong and should be demeaned and ridiculed as much as possible.

What they fail to understand is that everyone has their own experiences that only they can fully appreciate. No two people view the world in the same way and no one has the right to decide for someone else. No one has the right to define what another believes.

No one.

Berating someone for not thinking like you or demeaning others because their beliefs are different is childish and petty. It takes a mature person to understand and accept the needs of others, and to acknowledge that our beliefs, no matter how comforting we may find them, may not fulfill the longing experienced by another.

Why are there so many differing sects in Christianity, or variations in Judaism? Why do atheists and agnostics hold fast to their thoughts on God? Because we all look at the world through our personal experiences. Each of us has journeyed along a path that is unique to us and no one else can truly understand it.

I do not care what you believe, but I respect your right to believe it. I politely request that you do the same for me.

Just as I determine how I take my coffee, I also determine how I take my faith...I don’t need anyone else to define it for me. I'm good thanks. Please pass the sugar.

Losing Altitude, Gaining Attitude

There is an oft repeated adage that says that rejection builds character. I disagree. I believe that rejection builds attitude, and it’s up to us to determine which attitude it builds.

I received a rather polite NO this morning, and even though I was expecting it, it was still unpleasant. Sometimes a NO can make us feel like we are not good enough, or that we didn’t work hard enough...but whatever the reason, we can use it to our advantage.

After allowing myself a few hours of pouting (if only to rationalize having another piece of chocolate with breakfast), I set aside some time to remind myself that this isn’t personal. Yes, it does feel personal, but it really isn’t.

Rejection always hurts. No matter how strong we are, a pain still pierces our heart when faced with NO. Such a small, yet powerful syllable that can turn a great morning into a mediocre day. I’ve written about the power of NO before, but please remember that its range is limited and recovery is usually quick if we keep perspective.

I could lash out in anger, say horrible things about the people who rejected me, shout degrading things at my email for delivering me such horrible news, or even rationalize reasons why this other person was chosen over me (e.g., they must know someone on the inside!).

Or I can put aside my emotions for a moment and find a way to learn from this.

I did not get what I wanted because it was not mine to have. Truly. Someone else was obviously better suited, probably better qualified, and was a better fit for the position. This does not mean I am lacking, nor does it mean that my work isn’t good enough. Comparing myself and my work to some stranger I’ll never meet is just silly.

If it isn't a match, it isn't a match. Why would I blame myself?

Rather than focus on the things that may have kept me from getting what I want, I would rather look at the characteristics I do have that will eventually work in my favor. Setbacks are a great time to reevaluate our game-plan, take another look at ourselves, and consider alternative routes to our goal.

It gives us time to remember why we’re doing this in the first place and readjust our attitude, if necessary.

Rejection isn’t the end of the road. It’s just a detour along the more scenic route.

The next time you get a NO, call me. We can take the long way together. I’ll bring the chocolate.

Stealing Time

In the past few weeks I’ve developed a really bad habit. I’ve given away all of my time and forgot to save some for myself.

From the moment I wake up in the morning to that blessed hour when I fall into bed weary and spent, my time has belonged to someone else. As a graduate student I expected to have my days filled with coursework and other school-related demands. As a women I expected to have my evenings dedicated to caring for the home and ensuring things continued to run smoothly. As a writer I knew I would spend those rare hours in between classes, pounding away at my keys in hopes that the creative juices I rely on aren’t too tired to flow.

I did not expect to give away every waking second to these pursuits. I did not expect to give away all of my time, yet I have and now I must find a way to get it back before I forget why I am doing all of this.

There is a passion that drives me in my studies. For many years now I’ve had my eye on a goal and, knowing myself, I knew that I would do whatever necessary to get it all done...even if it means reading endless articles about Freud and pretending I care about him and his theories. I do not regret a moment of the hard work I’ve done.

My husband is my world and I love nothing more than to take care of him and make him smile. He is one of the hardest working and most loving people I know, and I admire all that he has accomplished. Caring for him and getting such pure devotion in return is one of the most satisfying feelings I’ve experienced.

Writing and sharing is very much a part of my identity. If I even try to imagine a world where I no longer put my thoughts to paper, where my imagination is stifled and these ideas are trapped in my mind with no means of expression...that would be a sad world for me.

So what do I do? How do I ensure that I have enough time to recharge my spirit and still meet my personal goals...without sacrificing the quality of my undertakings?

I am going to steal back my time. Little by little, minute by minute...I'm taking it all back.

I allowed other things to become a priority over my own needs and that is going to end now, right now. I cannot give outwardly without giving inwardly to myself first. I cannot send all of my energy out and expect to be filled at the end of the day. How can I offer faith and support to others if it's been days since I've meditated upon my own faith, or sought support for myself?

These past few weeks have been an eye-opener and I’ve learned a lot about how strong and resilient I really am, but I don't have to be strong all of the time. It was a lesson that I had to learn on my own, on my own terms, but I think that’s how we all learn isn’t it? We all have to navigate our own road and find the right path for ourselves.

Well, I did and I am happy to have found this new way through to tomorrow. This road works for me.

What steals your time? What empties you out so that at the end of the day you have nothing left for yourself? What are you going to do about it?

If you aren't sure how to get your time back, give me a call. We can sit quietly together and contemplate in silence, or share some cake and laughter...because it's our time and we control how we spend it.

Worth

Can you judge me by the color of my skin? My ethnic heritage? The color of my sin?

No. You are just like me, my equal in mortality. A flesh bound soul on a journey towards...somewhere, and your goals are no more noble than mine. Your rights are no more important.

Can you judge me by the size of my bank account?

No. I own it, it does not own me. I am not a slave to the almighty dollar. I have not given my will over to the captains of greed and praying for the power that some believe comes from net gains and the loss of dignity.

My worth was complete the moment my lungs filled with the fresh air of life and I announced my existence in a scream of shock and excitement. My membership in the race of humanity guarantees the sanctity of my value. It cannot be taken from me by societal conditions and arbitrary media decisions.

It is my birthright.

The promise of my God and my faith remains fast. Your choices do not influence mine. Your thoughts do not cloud my vision. You can celebrate the glory of heavens with me, or remain safe in your own beliefs...I wish you comfort either way. I wish you peace. But you cannot change me or make me less because my mind does not acquiesce to yours. I am different, and that is the beauty of me. Curse my intellect because it defies the popular, but it is mine to utilize and I will exercise my right to see the world in my own view.

Thank you.

A man once spoke of a dream, a day when colorblind is the new normal. A woman once sat in the front, too tired to move any further, but strong enough to fight the lie of the devalued. A man across the sea once refused food in search of equality, as another fueled a movement of desegregation from a prison.

Their worth is no greater than ours. But their hearts had the courage to own their value and they understood the importance that lives in every soul. They were brave enough to shout out the truth of a communal worth, sometimes with words. I admire brave and salute courage. I hail the heart willing to speak honestly of an equal humanity.

It is a truth that illuminates greatest when we work together, even if some still refuse to see it shine.

As this nation pauses to celebrate the birth of a courageous man, I am grateful for Dr. King’s clarity of vision and boldness of words. I am grateful that he could see through the haze of hate and acknowledge our worth.

Your worth. And mine. Equal in value.

Heart Meets Go

As children we see our dreams as possibilities and embrace the beauty of Maybe while glorifying the brilliance of Someday. As adults we've crumbled under the weight of things that are simply not Done and have given up. We allow disapproving glances to define our boundaries. We fear judgment when we should laugh at its existence. We give it power it does not deserve.

Don't speak out. Don't speak up. Don't stand out. Don't live.

Somewhere between the joy of youth and the mediocrity of the aged we lose the desire to sustain hope and flounder in the River of Homogeneity. We don’t even try to fight it anymore because what’s the use? To fit in is to belong, and to belong is our socialized goal.

White picket fences and corporate cubicles are a safety net to the fearfully normal soul. Does it make you angry when you read that?

Why then did the inner fire dim? Why did we kill of the passion that boils within our hearts and condemn ourselves to a life of average? What would our five-year old self say about our present-day predicament? Why do we let dreams die when their beauty could ignite the enduring passion of a life that matters?

We ask children what they want to be when they grow up, hoping against hope that they name a career that would garner power and financial success. Doctor. Lawyer. President. No one cheers the child who claims Visionary. Peace-maker. Unfettered Artist. We want our children to belong, to blend in and to meld nicely with the rest of society. We like our children to fit into the box because it’s easier.

Our youthful dreams were neatly squashed by well-meaning adults, so why then should we allow their dreams to breath the air of wonderment? Why should we allow anyone to dream if we have forgotten how to dream for ourselves?

It doesn’t have to end with regret. Dreams can be reborn, passion can be reawakened and renewed with the smallest particle of hope. That inner desire, the one that fueled you in your younger days can still guide you, if you have the will and desire to take a chance on life. If, and only if you believe that your innate gifts are worth the effort, then take the chance, ignore convention and live your dream.

I have been informed that I don’t fit in. I have even been advised that, due to my age, I should act differently. I should mature quietly, discreetly; succumb to the weight of my years. But my goal is to not fit in, to not become the average middle-ager who blends into the scenery and fears the rules of aging. My goal is to stoke the passion for life and fight off those who criticize the dreamers...encourage the youthful heart regardless of the number of their years.

Life is a short, messy trip down an unknown path. It comes with no guarantees, no do-overs, and absolutely no stopping along the way. Grab on to it and listen to your dreams, and utilize your God-given gifts because they are your unique talents and this world could probably use them right about now. Ignore the nay-sayers, the rule-makers, and the judgmental fools wallowing in their own fears. Close your eyes, listen to your heart, and just go.