No parking. No swimming. No fishing. No talking. No refunds. No exchanges.
No is everywhere and has a reputation as being a bad little word that stands between us and what we want.
As children No meant we were being denied an important need like no TV or no candy, or no dessert until you eat your broccoli. Oh, the humanity of it all.
When we grow up No still maintains its negative connotation and while we see and hear it on a daily basis, we have a problem using it ourselves. We know how much it hurts to be told No, and we want to avoid inflicting that pain on another.
We don’t want to risk not being liked, or admitting that we’re human and might need help. No can churn up memories of rejection and feelings of failure from within the most delicate part of our souls.
If we fear No, perhaps it is because we fail to appreciate how considerate a word it truly is. Perhaps we fear the power that it offers us. We have failed to recognize the freedom it offers as we wield it against the onslaught of a demanding world.
The topic of No has come up several times recently in casual conversation, and I think people are hesitant to use it because we are wary of denying the needs of someone else. But at what expense?
No is not a bad word. It is liberating and freeing. It is an honest word that communicates the truth of our current condition. As discussed with my friends, No helps us establish boundaries, which are extremely important. Boundaries are a very loving thing, both for ourselves and for others.
It is a loving thing to tell a person, “No, I will not help you continue your destructive behavior.”
It is an empowering thing to say, “No, I will not take on another task because I haven’t the energy to complete it to my standards.”
It is a beautifully human thing to state, “No, I’m not fine, and I could use some affection and a shoulder right now.”
No is a powerful little word allowing us to communicate honestly with each other. It may take a bit before we become comfortable saying it, but with enough practice we can do it.
We can’t let such a small word stand between us some emotional freedom, can we?
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Thursday, July 14, 2011
A Heart of Listening
I’ve made peace with the fact that I will never be an astronaut. I am aware that my chances of becoming a rock star are pretty slim, and I’m okay with that. On the other hand I’m very good with people, I am an excellent researcher, I am a skilled writer, and I’m am a great friend.
I am able to joyfully accept the things that I cannot do because I focus on the things that I can do. I was secure in my positive attributes until I realized I was lying to myself. I’m not nearly as good as I could be (or should be) because I lacked an extremely important skill: listening...really, truly, listening.
I’m a proficient listener in that I hear what people say and can extract meaning from nuances. I can recognize the painful honesty that often hides behind safe words, but I failed at seeing the raw, uncensored heart that people reveal when they are opening themselves up to me.
I hear the words and I’m so ready to respond that I fail to mentally ingest what they are saying. I understand them, but I am not ruminating on the profound meaning of their heart. I fail to acknowledge who they are at their deepest, most vulnerable level.
Shame on me.
A few months have passed since I’ve had this little revelation and I’ve made progress through conscious effort, but it’s easy to slip back into old habits. Lately I’ve found myself wishing I could re-do conversations with friends, or go back and ask them to clarify something that I thought I understood at the time.
This makes me very unhappy. I should know better.
I know I’m not the only one wrestling with this particular demon. In our fast-paced world we have relationships based on sound bites, and we communicate in superficial ways that lack real intimacy. How many of us take the time to understand what people are telling us? Do we stand poised to respond with our thoughts the moment they take a breath, or are we willing to stifle our desire to speak until we fully comprehend what we’ve just been told?
Maya Angelou once said that when a person shows you who they are the first time, believe them. We have to really want to see people before this can happen.
To truly see people, we must make the effort to hear them with our ears, our mind, and our hearts before we can begin the process of knowing them in their raw state. To really listen to another person, we need to mix acceptance with a splash of self-control and a double dose of love. That is when real understanding begins.
It isn’t easy to take the time and hear the heart of another. So often we want to rescue them, to cure them, or to tell them what we think. Too often we ignore the silent wishes to be understood and accepted. It’s a daily struggle for me to hold back and to hear, but I’m working on it and getting much better...but forgive me when I don’t.
If you need someone to hear you, call me. And if you notice that I’m backsliding into my old habit, please remind me that while I may be listening to you, I’m not really hearing your heart.
And I really want to hear your heart because you're very important to me.
I am able to joyfully accept the things that I cannot do because I focus on the things that I can do. I was secure in my positive attributes until I realized I was lying to myself. I’m not nearly as good as I could be (or should be) because I lacked an extremely important skill: listening...really, truly, listening.
I’m a proficient listener in that I hear what people say and can extract meaning from nuances. I can recognize the painful honesty that often hides behind safe words, but I failed at seeing the raw, uncensored heart that people reveal when they are opening themselves up to me.
I hear the words and I’m so ready to respond that I fail to mentally ingest what they are saying. I understand them, but I am not ruminating on the profound meaning of their heart. I fail to acknowledge who they are at their deepest, most vulnerable level.
Shame on me.
A few months have passed since I’ve had this little revelation and I’ve made progress through conscious effort, but it’s easy to slip back into old habits. Lately I’ve found myself wishing I could re-do conversations with friends, or go back and ask them to clarify something that I thought I understood at the time.
This makes me very unhappy. I should know better.
I know I’m not the only one wrestling with this particular demon. In our fast-paced world we have relationships based on sound bites, and we communicate in superficial ways that lack real intimacy. How many of us take the time to understand what people are telling us? Do we stand poised to respond with our thoughts the moment they take a breath, or are we willing to stifle our desire to speak until we fully comprehend what we’ve just been told?
Maya Angelou once said that when a person shows you who they are the first time, believe them. We have to really want to see people before this can happen.
To truly see people, we must make the effort to hear them with our ears, our mind, and our hearts before we can begin the process of knowing them in their raw state. To really listen to another person, we need to mix acceptance with a splash of self-control and a double dose of love. That is when real understanding begins.
It isn’t easy to take the time and hear the heart of another. So often we want to rescue them, to cure them, or to tell them what we think. Too often we ignore the silent wishes to be understood and accepted. It’s a daily struggle for me to hold back and to hear, but I’m working on it and getting much better...but forgive me when I don’t.
If you need someone to hear you, call me. And if you notice that I’m backsliding into my old habit, please remind me that while I may be listening to you, I’m not really hearing your heart.
And I really want to hear your heart because you're very important to me.
Saturday, July 9, 2011
...but are you Happy?
I was not created to meet your expectations. My purpose in life is not to fulfill your idea of who or what I should be. It is not my responsibility to make you happy.
It’s not about you.
Sometimes it feels like everyone has an opinion of who you should to be and how you should live your life, but it’s not your responsibility to live up to their desires. That’s not your job.
Real relationships, the honest and inspiring relationships that help us to grow, are built on a foundation of love. If someone really cares about you they will ask you what you want. They will show genuine concern about your happiness, not weigh you with their opinions and their expectations.
The desire to understand people comes from a place of love and compassion. A selfish heart is unable to look outside of itself and see things from another perspective. Only a heart that knows love has the strength to quiet its own desires and focus on the needs of someone else.
If someone loves you, their concern is for you and your needs, not their own.
I made a few changes to my life in the past few years with returning to school and choosing a new path for my faith. It was through these changes that I began to view my relationships differently. It became readily apparent who really cared about me, and who cared about themselves more.
When I would mention my academic goals it felt like everyone had an opinion on what school I should attend, or gave their advice on what direction I should take my career. Only one person asked me what I wanted. That person cared and has a genuine concern for my happiness. She wanted to know what my goals were so that she could offer constructive advice.
That is a relationship based on love.
My career decisions are my choice. Believe me when I say that I am not here to impress anyone. Really, I just don’t care what you think of me and my life goals.
I had the same experience when I chose to leave the mainstream Christian denominations and seek a deeper meaning to my faith. I expected people to question my decision and knew it wasn’t going to be an easy task to explain why I could no longer followed their doctrine. I assumed they would understand, or at least try to understand.
They didn’t.
I was told I was wrong, or that I needed to be brought back into a better understanding of their world. They felt I was broken and needed to be fixed. They were so focused on their expectations and goals, they never asked about mine.
I am not saying that these people are all evil, selfish jerks. They are just flawed humans like the rest of us, doing the best that they can with what they know. Perhaps they truly do believe that when they offer unsolicited advice or force their opinion on us they think they are doing us a favor. It’s something we’ve all done at one point in our lives, and while it is annoying, it is certainly forgivable and completely human.
For many years now I’ve taken to asking my loved ones a simple question. “Are you happy?” No matter what they choose to do, whether I agree or not, it is their decision to make. If they want my advice, they will ask. They owe me nothing and I’ve no right to pressure them to live as I think they should. My relationship with them is based on love, and because of that I desire their happiness...nothing else really matters, does it?
God is our creator. He is the author of my salvation and the only one I shall ever bow to. Christ is my Lord, no other and I owe my allegiance to Him, not to someone who thinks they know what is best for me.
My relationship with Him is based on love and in the end, I know that God loves me no matter what. That means He truly cares about my happiness.
So my friend, are you happy?
It’s not about you.
Sometimes it feels like everyone has an opinion of who you should to be and how you should live your life, but it’s not your responsibility to live up to their desires. That’s not your job.
Real relationships, the honest and inspiring relationships that help us to grow, are built on a foundation of love. If someone really cares about you they will ask you what you want. They will show genuine concern about your happiness, not weigh you with their opinions and their expectations.
The desire to understand people comes from a place of love and compassion. A selfish heart is unable to look outside of itself and see things from another perspective. Only a heart that knows love has the strength to quiet its own desires and focus on the needs of someone else.
If someone loves you, their concern is for you and your needs, not their own.
I made a few changes to my life in the past few years with returning to school and choosing a new path for my faith. It was through these changes that I began to view my relationships differently. It became readily apparent who really cared about me, and who cared about themselves more.
When I would mention my academic goals it felt like everyone had an opinion on what school I should attend, or gave their advice on what direction I should take my career. Only one person asked me what I wanted. That person cared and has a genuine concern for my happiness. She wanted to know what my goals were so that she could offer constructive advice.
That is a relationship based on love.
My career decisions are my choice. Believe me when I say that I am not here to impress anyone. Really, I just don’t care what you think of me and my life goals.
I had the same experience when I chose to leave the mainstream Christian denominations and seek a deeper meaning to my faith. I expected people to question my decision and knew it wasn’t going to be an easy task to explain why I could no longer followed their doctrine. I assumed they would understand, or at least try to understand.
They didn’t.
I was told I was wrong, or that I needed to be brought back into a better understanding of their world. They felt I was broken and needed to be fixed. They were so focused on their expectations and goals, they never asked about mine.
I am not saying that these people are all evil, selfish jerks. They are just flawed humans like the rest of us, doing the best that they can with what they know. Perhaps they truly do believe that when they offer unsolicited advice or force their opinion on us they think they are doing us a favor. It’s something we’ve all done at one point in our lives, and while it is annoying, it is certainly forgivable and completely human.
For many years now I’ve taken to asking my loved ones a simple question. “Are you happy?” No matter what they choose to do, whether I agree or not, it is their decision to make. If they want my advice, they will ask. They owe me nothing and I’ve no right to pressure them to live as I think they should. My relationship with them is based on love, and because of that I desire their happiness...nothing else really matters, does it?
God is our creator. He is the author of my salvation and the only one I shall ever bow to. Christ is my Lord, no other and I owe my allegiance to Him, not to someone who thinks they know what is best for me.
My relationship with Him is based on love and in the end, I know that God loves me no matter what. That means He truly cares about my happiness.
So my friend, are you happy?
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