A Heart of Listening

I’ve made peace with the fact that I will never be an astronaut. I am aware that my chances of becoming a rock star are pretty slim, and I’m okay with that. On the other hand I’m very good with people, I am an excellent researcher, I am a skilled writer, and I’m am a great friend.

I am able to joyfully accept the things that I cannot do because I focus on the things that I can do. I was secure in my positive attributes until I realized I was lying to myself. I’m not nearly as good as I could be (or should be) because I lacked an extremely important skill: listening...really, truly, listening.

I’m a proficient listener in that I hear what people say and can extract meaning from nuances. I can recognize the painful honesty that often hides behind safe words, but I failed at seeing the raw, uncensored heart that people reveal when they are opening themselves up to me.

I hear the words and I’m so ready to respond that I fail to mentally ingest what they are saying. I understand them, but I am not ruminating on the profound meaning of their heart. I fail to acknowledge who they are at their deepest, most vulnerable level.

Shame on me.

A few months have passed since I’ve had this little revelation and I’ve made progress through conscious effort, but it’s easy to slip back into old habits. Lately I’ve found myself wishing I could re-do conversations with friends, or go back and ask them to clarify something that I thought I understood at the time.

This makes me very unhappy. I should know better.

I know I’m not the only one wrestling with this particular demon. In our fast-paced world we have relationships based on sound bites, and we communicate in superficial ways that lack real intimacy. How many of us take the time to understand what people are telling us? Do we stand poised to respond with our thoughts the moment they take a breath, or are we willing to stifle our desire to speak until we fully comprehend what we’ve just been told?

Maya Angelou once said that when a person shows you who they are the first time, believe them. We have to really want to see people before this can happen.

To truly see people, we must make the effort to hear them with our ears, our mind, and our hearts before we can begin the process of knowing them in their raw state. To really listen to another person, we need to mix acceptance with a splash of self-control and a double dose of love. That is when real understanding begins.

It isn’t easy to take the time and hear the heart of another. So often we want to rescue them, to cure them, or to tell them what we think. Too often we ignore the silent wishes to be understood and accepted. It’s a daily struggle for me to hold back and to hear, but I’m working on it and getting much better...but forgive me when I don’t.

If you need someone to hear you, call me. And if you notice that I’m backsliding into my old habit, please remind me that while I may be listening to you, I’m not really hearing your heart.

And I really want to hear your heart because you're very important to me.