It's Just Crap

"You might have cancer."

Not what I was expecting to hear while I was barreling down the freeway at top speed, but that's what I get for answering my cell phone while driving.

Once I finished my errands for the day, I headed home and contemplated this little bit of news.

Cancer. Hhhhmmmm......

Now there was only a 30% chance that I had cancer, so that meant there was a 70% chance I didn't have it. 30% doesn't sound like much, but when it concerns you then it is amazing how big that little number can be. Even so, I had decent odds.

The disease itself didn't scare me. If I had it I'd deal with it just I had dealt with everything else in life: head-on, but the not knowing was the worse part. 28 days between that phone call and the biopsy date, then an additional 2 weeks for results. That was a dreadfully long time.

Everything I did, everything I thought...it was there and it wouldn't go away.

It was during this time that I came to a very clear understanding of how stupid and crap-filled life can be. Commercials on TV trying to sell acceptance and power, the occasional superficial conversation I'd overhear at school, the mundane worry of test scores, complaining neighbors...all of it was just a waste of time.

It was all crap.

None of it was going to make a bit of difference if I were ill. None of it was going to make me better...none of it was going to help me through it. None of it was worth my time or energy.

What did matter were the people in my life and my faith. I gathered a little group of friends around me, wrapped myself up in my faith finding peace in prayer, clung to my husband's love, and waited out those very long and unsettling days.

I made some decisions during that time...decisions that could only be made with the understanding of what was important and what wasn't.

I decided I would never own anything I was afraid to lose. I like having a cool vehicle, and not having to walk everywhere is a wondrous thing, but in the end it's just a mode of transportation. I decided that I would tell the people that I love how I really felt about them. I decided that I would never own a house that impressed people, nor would I have anyone in my life that would be impressed by a fancy house. I would no longer worry about gaining weight, but focus on gaining health instead.

No matter what happened, I didn't want my life to be about stuff, about the superficial...about crap. I wanted it to be about making a positive difference in the lives of the people around me...not about what I did or what I accomplished.

In the end life isn't about the things we buy or the things we do. Life is about the bigger things...the intangibles like love and acceptance, joy and peace. Kids don't want more toys, they want more time. Friends don't want fancy gifts, they want to be accepted. Relationships aren't about fancy rings and expensive ceremonies, they are about finding someone who will give your heart a safe home no matter what life brings.

Looking back I grew a lot in that month of uncertainty. My faith in God became stronger, more comfortable. I learned the depth of my husband's love and devotion. And, thankfully, I became a better me.

As it turns out, I don't have cancer...I have pre-cancer, which is a fancy way of saying it could be cancer soon, they just don't know. So I will go in for my tests every few months or so, and I'll do my best to focus on what really matters in life.

And ignore the crap.