Brave

Fairy tales are one of the cruelest tricks we play on children. We tell them that happy endings are the norm, that the princess always gets the prince, and the evil stepsisters always get punished for their misdeeds. That’s simply not true, and it’s something we should probably reconsider when choosing books to read at bedtime.

I’m just saying.

Life is messy and people are imperfect creatures overflowing with emotions. I like that we are beautifully blemished beings and that our relationships add a richness to our journey, but what I don’t like is when those relationships end, and we are left with a cavernous hole in our heart and an ache that no amount of tears can wash away.

Losing people hurts and there is simply no way to avoid it if we insist on embracing the many wonders life has to offer us.

Recently I had to walk away from some very dear friends. I loved them like family and had relied on them through some tough times. For many years they were a little sanctuary from the insanity of life, and now that’s gone. They meant a lot to me, more than I realized until they were no longer there. All that exists is the overwhelming sense of loss.

The why is not important, suffice to say you cannot un-ring a bell. Sometimes we are forced to make decisions in order to protect ourselves. Logically I know that it was never their intent to hurt me, it was just an unfortunate outcome due to a seemingly innocuous decision. Unfortunately, that decision meant I could not join them on path they had chosen, and I had to walk away.

Many years ago after cleansing my life of an abusive spouse, I promised myself that I would not entertain negative or destructive relationships in my life no matter the cost to my heart. It was one of those decisions that demanded an all-or-nothing commitment because once the toxins enter into your life there is no way to stop it from polluting every part of your existence.

Though I tried to rationalize the choices my friends had made, that little voice in my head reminded me that I could not ignore the truth forever. The damage was done and my heart was so ravaged by it all, I grew numb with disbelief. Remaining meant accepting more negativity into my life than was healthy.

So I severed all ties and walked away.

Slowly emails trickled in filled with questions, but they went unanswered. After two days of endless tears and sleepless nights, I was emotionally spent and unable to function. I had to take care of myself, and that is what it all comes down to.

We have to take care of ourselves.

We have to be brave enough to fight for what we know is best for us. We cannot allow the people we love to pull us down into the depths of negativity simply because we are emotionally tied to them. We have to be our own advocate, our own champion, and our own caretaker.

It’s our responsibility to ensure the relationships we are involved with are healthy relationships based on love and respect. Anything else and we are just fooling ourselves.

No, it isn’t easy to walk away. It has been several days now and I still find myself aching to talk to them, or tearing up when something reminds me of them. My heart still trembles when my inbox shows a new email because it might be them unintentionally re-opening a slowly healing wound. It has not be a very enjoyable time.

But I will survive this. I will continue to learn from my time with those amazing people and I really did learn a lot. I have boxes upon boxes of beautiful memories stored away in a corner of my mind. Someday, when the pain is not so new and the tears have dried, I will sit and comb through these boxes and smile, grateful I had such people in my life.

For now I take each day as it comes knowing that I did what was right for me knowing that endings aren’t always happy, but they are necessary. I’ve also had to remind myself that I need to be my own white knight...even if my armor is a bit rusted.